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CALICO LAND 



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CALICO LAND 

A Farce in Four Acts 



By 

ELVA SAWYER CURETON 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
1915 






CALICO LAND 



CHARACTERS 

Professor Henry Osgood, the schoolmaster of a boarding school. 

Mrs. Osgood, his wife. 

Flossie Wells, the beauty of the class ' 

'Tilda Farrel, a plain little girl 

Evelyn Marie Warren, a naughty girl 

Gracie Phelps, the smallest girl 

Jimmie McNulty, the leader 

Freddie Lane, a goody goody 

Willie Waverly, a fat boy 

Jack Bird j 

Funno, counsellor to the Calico King. 

King Dirty Face, king of Calico Land. 

Calico Children ; Heralds ; subjects of King Dirty Face. 



Pupils. 



COSTUMES 



Starched white dresses for girls, white shirts and stiff collars for 
boys. Calico pinafores. Calico suits, face and all, for Calico 
People. Two clown suits. 




TMP92-009002 

Copyright, 1915, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 

FEB 18 1915 

©CI.D 3 97 20 
Vuot 



Calico Land 



ACT I 

SCENE.— In the woods. 

Enter Professor Henry Osgood and Mrs. Osgood with 
children, each carrying a lunch-basket, butterfly net or 
wraps. 

Prof, {stoop-shouldered and wearing glasses ; stern look- 
ing and abrupt in his maimer). Ha, children I What is this 
I see ? {Bends over stiffly and picks a flower.) 

Flossie Wells (a pretty little girl with golden curls). A 
buttercup, sir. 

Prof. Very good, so far. But what genus is it ? Observe 
the corolla, the form of the leaves. 

Jimmie McNulty. Can you make butter out of them, sir? 

Prof. Certainly not. They are probably so named be- 
cause they are the color of butter. 

'Tilda Farrel (scornfully). Maybe butter with carrot 
coloring ! 

Prof. The plant is of the genus Ranunculus. It is 

Floss. Ooh ! I see a butterfly ! (Makes a rush and the 
children all follow her. She returns to Prof, with a but- 
terfly in her hand.) See, Professor Osgood, I've caught a 
butterfly. Ain't it pretty? 

Mrs, O. Isn't, Flossie. Ain't is a vulgarism. Never 
use it. 

(She mitigates the severity of her remark by a deprecatory 
smile.) 

Prof, (producing a monstrous microscope and looking at the 
butterfly). An insect of the order Lepidoptera. Notice the 
fine imbricated scales on the delicate membranaceous wings, 
which number four. (He holds out the microscope to Evelyn 

3 



4 CALICO LAND 

Marie Warren who turns her back and stamps her foot.) 
The thorax you will notice 

Evelyn (over her shoulder). I don't want to study any old 
bugs. You said this was a picnic, so you did. 

Mrs. O. Hush, dear ! It is. 

Prof. But think of the opportunity this little expedition 
affords us to study the natural flora and fauna. 

Jim. {aside to Evelyn). It's a shame, so it is, to have to 
work on a picnic. Let's bolt. 

Evelyn. I ain't afraid, old smarty. 

Jim. Who is? Let's pretend we see something and run. 
The kids'll all follow, you'll see. 

Evelyn. You talk lots. Do it. I'll go as far as you any 
day. 

Jim. We'll throw away all this old truck, too. Can't have 
any fun goin' around like a pack mule. (Looks about ostenta- 
tiously, then suddenly yells.) Hi, boys ! I see a squirrel. 

(Runs off r., throwing his basket as he goes. Others follow 
doing same.) 

Evelyn (right after him). Come on, girls. Let's beat 'em. 

Prof, (not noticing). Now take this Lepidoptera, for in- 
stance. Observe the marking on the anterior wings. Here 
you see 

Mrs. O. Henry, don't you think we ought to follow and 
see what those children are doing ? They are in our care here 
as much as at school. I wouldn't want anything to hap- 
pen 

Prof. Eh? Children? (Looks about bewildered.) 

Mrs. O. They ran after a squirrel, I believe, but children 
are so excitable. It's easy to get lost in a wood. I got lost in 
the park once. One should stop for calm reflection. How 
careless they were with the lunches ! Poor little dears. My 
mother could make the best imitation chicken salad 

(Starts to gather up things from ground.) 

Prof. Maria I 

Mrs. O. Yes, Henry. 

Prof. Leave those things alone. 

Mrs. O. Certainly, dear. But 

Prof. No buts, please, Maria. 

Mrs. O. Very well, dear. Oh, certainly not, but 

(Tentatively picks up a basket.) 



CALICO LAND * 5 

Prof, (in a terrible voice). Maria ! (Mrs. O. drops basket 
which bursts open, scattering contents on ground. She begins 
hurriedly gathering them up.) Maria ! 

Mrs. O. (dropping what she holds). Ye-es, Henry. 

Prof. Leave those things as they are. Those little imps 
shall have a lesson in obedience. This is insufferable ! 

Mrs. O. (in frightened, pleading voice). P-please, Henry, 
couldn't we let them enjoy their picnic? Think how long 
they have been looking forward to it. 

Prof, (sternly). They shall enjoy it in a proper manner. 
Don't interfere, Maria. (Mrs. O. walks to r., furtively wip- 
ing her eyes. Prof, studies butterfly zoith microscope. Enter 
Funno, r., dressed in calico from head to foot, face and all. 
Prof, looks up over spectacles.) Ah-a, my good man, did 
you chance upon a party of children in the wood ? 

Funno. Noisy, quarrelsome children with horrid starched 
dresses and choky white collars ? 

Mrs. O. Oh, did you see the poor dears? Where — — 

Prof. They were neatly dressed for an outing in the woods. 
I hope they have not soiled their clothes ? 

Funno. A little, a little, but not enough for comfort. 

Prof. What ! 

Funno. Oh, don't worry, they will, they will. Just give 
them time, my dear sir, just give them time. One or two were 
doing very nicely, very nicely indeed, considering. And 
the frog-pond will be of great assistance, great assistance, I as- 
sure you. 

mT'o. } Frog-pond! 

Funno. Assuredly. Lovely, slimy little pool full of frogs 
and wigglers and cunning little water- snakes. 

Mrs. O. Oh, my children, my babies ! (Rushes off r.) 

Prof. They shall certainly be attended to. Discipline 
must be maintained. 

Funno. For their good or yours ? 

Prof. It is good for everybody, anybody. Look at the 
army, now, and the navy. What would they be without dis- 
cipline ? In every big institution, in every business, in every 
walk of life 

(They exeunt, r., Prof, still talking and gesticulating.) 
CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE. — Calico Land. Out-of-doors. Trees covered with 
buns, handkerchiefs, cakes, fruits, dolls, bats, etc., all tied 
on with strips of calico. Old rotten log, l. Calico throne 
at rear, c. 

(Children enter, l., with several Calico people. Children 
dirty, torn, happy.) 

Jim. (snatching off a limp collar and throwing it to rear). 
This is something like. I call this a real holiday. Hope the 
Professor gets lost in the woods nosing about after specimens, 
the old scissors ! 

Willie Waverly (mopping his fat face and shaking his 
head). I wish we'd hung on to those baskets. Luncheon 
wouldn't look bad to me. 

Evelyn. Me neither. But Jimmie will catch us some 
trout and red-legs, won't you, Jimmie? He's such a sport, 
Jimmie is ! 

Jim. (blustering). I will if I want to. If I don't want to I 
won't. See? 

Evelyn. See a smarty ! See a smarty ! See a Ooh ! 

There they come. (Looks off, l.) 

All. Who? 

Evelyn. The Professor and poor old Maria and a Calico 
man. 

(All look anxiously.) 

Floss, (running to Jim.). Oh, what shall we do, Jimmie? 
He's awful mad. 

Freddie Lane. Tell him it was an accident, and that 
we're very sorry. 

Evelyn. I won't, I won't, so there ! 

Calico Boy. Let's go ask His Majesty King Dirty Face. 

Jack Bird. Quick ! They're here. 

(All run off, R., as Prof., Mrs. O. and Funno enter, l.) 

Prof. So this is Calico Land, Mr. Funno ? How odd ! 
And every one, even your King, dresses in calico. Extra- 
ordinary ! 

6 



CALICO LAND J 

Funno. It is a capital offense to wear anything else. And 
it is a disgrace to be clean, a disgrace. 

Prof. Marvelous ! 

Mrs. O. Good gracious ! 

Funno. The raggeder and dirtier one is the more he is 
respected and honored. 

Prof. Unbelievable ! 

Mrs. O. How horrid ! 

Funno. King Dirty Face has been elevated to the throne 
for his preeminence in these qualities, and he still retains his 
superiority. 

Prof. Very interesting. I must make a note of that. 

{Takes out book and writes .) 

Enter Calico Herald, r. Blows horn. 

Herald. The King comes. Roll ! 

(Funno drops down and rolls.) 

Funno. Quick ! Roll ! It is death to look upon the King 
with clean face and clothes ! 
Herald. Roll ! 

(Prof, and Mrs. O. make gestures of loathing, but lie down 
and roll. King Dirty Face enters amid discordant blare 
of horns, the royal band playing on paper-covered combs 
11 Yankee Doodle," "John Brown's Body," etc. Chil- 
dren follow, giggling and pointing to Prof, and his wife.) 

King (who lives up to his name of Dirty Face). At last 
we have some grown-ups in Calico Land ! 'Tis well. 

Subjects. Hooray ! 

King. Be not too previous, minions. 

Subjects. Wh-y? 

King. Silence ! They are the starched children's prey. 
You may look on, enjoy and learn. (To Prof, and Mrs. O., 
who are lying flat on their faces.) Grown-ups, arise on all 
fours and draw nearer. 

(Prof, starts to get to feet.) 

Funno (rushing forward). Down ! Do you want to lose 
your head, dog ? 



5 CALICO LAND 

(Prof, crawls forward on hands and feet, followed by 
Mrs. O.) 

King (sternly). Listen well. In Calico Land those who 
disobey my laws must die. 

Prof. We are willing, your majesty, but being — ah — stran- 
gers here, we are still ignorant of your — ah — peculiar customs. 

King. 'Tis easy enough to learn. Obey the children, and 
you cannot go wrong. 

Prof. Obey the children f Surely 

King. Yes, the children, these martyred little starchlings. 
Because they so long suffered the indignity of obeying you they 
shall now rule you, absolutely. That is your punishment and 
their compensation. Children of the dreadful starch and soap, 
your servants. 

{Points to Prof, and his wife. Children, dirty and 
ragged, come forward and bow satirically. Jim. gives 
Prof, a kick with his toe.) 

Floss. Oh, Jimmie, don't ! Let's show we can 'predate 
our positions. We'll show 'em how grown-ups ought to act. 

Children. Yes, let's. 

Jim. (sulkily). When I'm evened up. 

Evelyn. That's what I say. We want our fun first. 

Jim. (ungratefully). Who io\<\ you to butt in? 

Evelyn. Told myself. 

'Tilda. Well, let's not spoil everything by quarreling with 
each other. We can do that at home. 

Children. What's the matter with 'Tilda? She's all 
right ! 

King (to Children). I now give you the freedom of Calico 
Land. You will do just as you please, and these two grown- 
ups will be your servants. Food, clothes, toys may be had for 
the picking. 

Children. Thank you, your majesty. 

Will. Can we eat all we want ? 

King. All you can stuff. 

Will, {incredulously). Whenever we get hungry ? 

King. Whether you are hungry or not. 

Will, (hands on stomach). Oh, my indigestion ! Umm 

(Runs to tree, picks a sausage and begins to eat piggishly. 
Mrs. O. raises her hands in silent horror, but collapses 
at a frown from Will.) 



CALICO LAND 9 

'Tilda. Don't we have to make our beds if we don't want 
to? 

King. Certainly not. No one makes his bed here. If you 
want it made make the grown-ups attend to it. 

'Tilda. How lovely ! 

(Mrs. O. looks at her in betuildered protest, but 'Tilda 
shakes her head defiantly then laughs and skips off, r.) 

Fred. We may be kind to our servants if we wish, mayn't 
we ? And keep clean if we prefer ? 

(Prof, and Mrs. O. look up with pleased smiles.) 

King (disgusted). If you wish to be despised by the whole 
community. 

(Fred, slinks off, r., hanging his head. Children softly 
hiss.) 

Floss. May we stay in bed till nine o'clock? 

King. All day, if you like. 

Floss, (with animation). And may we take our dolls to 
bed ? (Looks defiantly at Mrs. O.) 

King. Of course. All girls do. 

Floss. Oh, dear ! I haven't any doll. 

King. Go pick one. 

Floss. Oh, I can't re'lize how lovely it is here all at once. 
You are the bestest King in the world ! 

King (surprised ) . Why, of course I am. 

(Floss, goes to tree, picks doll, and begins to play with it, 
talking to Gracie Phelps as she does so. Gracie tries to 
reach a doll but can't. No one offers to get her one, and 
she comes back and eyes Floss. 's wistfully.) 

Evelyn {going up to Prof.). Tie my shoe. 

Prof, (indignantly). You shall pay for this imper 

Evelyn. Tie it, I say. Quick 1 (Prof, gulps, looks 
around wildly, encounters the stern eye of the King, and 
quickly but awkwardly ties shoe. Evelyn, condescendingly.) 
Thank you, Henry. That will do for the present. Go lie 
down in the corner. 

Mrs. O. Oh, Evelyn ! 

Evelyn. Miss Evelyn Marie, if you please. 



10 „ CALICO LAND 



Mrs. O. Mi-iss Evelyn Marie 



( Crawls off to corner crying softly. King rises ; Heralds 
blare their horns.) 

King. I must leave you now, my children. Enjoy your- 
selves in Calico Land. 
Children. Thank you. 

{All bow low. King and subjects withdraw, l.) 

Jim. (who has been standing in a brown study). Henry I 
Bring me a bun. (Prof, begins to sputter, remembers, and rises 
to obey.) Down, Professor. (Prof, drops on all fours.) 
Well, get me a bun, I say. (Prof, starts to rise again.) 
Down, I say. 

Prof. How can I get the bun if I don't stand ? 

Jim. (coolly). That's for you to find out. Didn't you order 
me to do examples I couldn't do, and when I asked you for 
help you told me to help myself. You're not allowed to stand 
upright here, and you have to obey orders. Get busy. (Prof. 
looks helplessly around and sees a bun hanging rather 
low. He tries to reach it but just fails. Goes to old log, 
drags and rolls it under bun, and gnaws at string till he gets 
it loose, and then trots over to Jim., and holds it up in his teeth. 
Jim. takes bun and pats him on the head.) Good old fellow ! 
Good old Towser ! 

( Takes a big bite out of bun, then breaks off a piece and 
tosses it to Prof., who catches it in his mouth and eats it 
hungrily. Jim. and others laugh, and Jim. goes off l., 
whistling. ) 

Enter 'Tilda, r., running and excited. 

'Tilda. Oh, come quick, everybody ! The trout will bite 
the bait every time we tell them to ! 

(Holds up li?ie with trout on hook. All run off r. , in much 
excitement. Prof, jumps to his feet and shakes his fist 
after them. Mrs. O. sobs.) 

Prof, (going over and patting her on shoulder). Never 
mind, my dear. Don't grieve. I'll find a way out, or science 
is at fault somewhere. If I can't combat this children's magic 
there's something wrong with our system. 



CALICO LAND II 

Mrs. O. Oh, I hope you do for the poor children's sake. 
This life will ruin their sweet dispositions. 

Prof, {surprised). And what about us, if I may make so 
bold as to ask ? 

Mrs. O. We can bear it. Our characters are formed. It 
is only a little discomfort. Perhaps we will be broadened and 
enriched by the experience. 

Prof, {tartly). Well, I hope so, but I fail at present to see 
how acting like a clown and being ordered about by a lot of in- 
fants can be very elevating. 



CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE. — Same as Act II. A considerable period of time is 
supposed to have elapsed. 

(Will, and Fred, discovered sitting on ground leaning 
against log. Children all in calico clothes.) 

Fred, {without moving). If you want a banana I'll get it 
for you. 

Will, (yawning). Goodness, no ! I never want to see 
another banana. I've eaten and eaten till I'm ready to burst. 
Nothing tastes good any more. Do you suppose I will explode, 
Freddie? (Feels of his stomach anxiously.) Mama would be 
sending for the doctor and Mrs. Osgood would be giving me 
castor oil if I were at school. But here nobody cares whether 
you die or not. I wish I was back at school ! 

Fred. Oh, do you really? 

Will. Well 

Fred, {sitting up suddenly). Are you truly sick of this old 
place ? 

Will, {defensively). Oh, I didn't say that 

Fred, (plainly disappointed, sinking back against log). Oh ! 

(Gazes off into space miserably.) 

Will, (after a silence \ stealing a look at Fred.). Are you ? 
Fred. What ? 
Will. Tired of this. 

Fred, (defiantly). Yes, I am; so there 1 I want to be 
clean, and I want my mother ! 

Will. Sh ! Some one is coming. So do I. 

Enter Floss, and 'Tilda, r., 'Tilda assisting Floss., who is 
holding her left arm with her right hand and crying. 

Floss, (sinking to ground and leaning against a tree). Oh, 
dear ! Oh, dear ! My arm is 'most broke, I think. Oh, 
what shall I do ? 

(Boys come forward.) 
12 



CALICO LAND 



13 



Will. How did you hurt it, Flossie ? Let me feel it. 
{Kneels and feels arm gently.) 

Floss. Ouch ! Don't ! I fell out of a tree. It was a lit- 
tle tree, kind mama says are dangerousest. She wouldn't 
have let me climb it. Oh, dear, oh, dear ! 

Fred. I'll go find Mrs. Osgood. She'll know what to do. 

[Exit, R., running. 

'Tilda. I 'most put my eyes out with those firecrackers the 
other day — nobody told me not to fire 'em. The Professor 
and Mrs. Osgood don't take care of us a bit any more. 

Will. What 'ud be the good? We wouldn't mind. 

'Tilda {gloomily). That's so. 

Will. I wish some one would make me quit being such a 
pig. I'm beginning to grunt. 

Enter Mrs. O. and Fred., r. 

Mrs. O. (on all fours, in calico clown suit). Oh, my 
poor child ! Let me see it. (Feels gently.) It isn't broken, 
and I don't think it is really sprained or it would be swelled by 
now and sorer than it is. How fortunate ! I must pick a 
handkerchief for a sling to keep it quiet. 

Will. I will. 

(Mrs. O. looks surprised as Will, gets a red bandana from 
tree and hands it to her.) 

Mrs. O. Thank you, Willie. You are very kind. 

(Fixes sling on Floss. 's arm.) 

Will, (yawning). Let's find Jack and go down to the 
pond. I wish the Professor would tell us about some of those 
bugs. 

Fred, (stretching). All right. Anything to kill time. No 
good to get the Prof, though. He'd be so meek and whiny, 
and just talk when you told him to, and stop when we hollered 
'nough. I'd as soon listen to a jelly-fish. 

[Exeunt Fred, and Will., l. 

Enter Evelyn, l., very haughtily, her dress in tatters and 
covered with dirt. 

Evelyn (superciliously). Flossie, why don't you try to get 
a little dirtier? Your hair is really disgusting. I believe you 
combed it this morning ! 



14 CALICO LAND 

Floss. My mama says a really nice girl feels uncomfort- 
able if she's all tangly and gooey. 

Evelyn {shocked). Your mama ! What has she got to do 
with Calico Land ? 

Floss, {bursting into tears). Oh, dear ! I don't care if it 
is against the law of this horrid, dirty old country, I want my 
mama. And it's almost time for the long holidays, too ! 

Evelyn. Well, I never ! I'm s' prised at you, Flossie Wells. 
Mama, indeed ! You'd change your mind mighty quick when 
you had to wash and comb and be all starchy and uncomfort- 
able. Then you'd see ! Always minding some one all of the 
time, wouldn't she be, Jimmie ? 

Enter Jim., l., looking bored. 

Jim. Eh? Oh, of course she would. 'Course none of us 
want to go home, do we ? {Belligerently. No one answers. 
They all look sheepish and avoid his eyes. Jim., louder and 
shriller.) We none of us want to go back to school and 
home, do we? Say it, you boobies, or I'll smash your heads. 

Enter Gracie, r., dripping with water, followed by Jack. 

Mrs. O. {forgetting and jumpi?ig up). Oh, you poor 
darling ! {Remembers and goes down on all fours.) Come 
here to me. (Gracie kneels and Mrs. O. wipes her face.) 
What happened to the poor baby ? 

Gracie {blubbering). That nasty Funno pushed me into 
the pond ! Oh-o-oh, I want to go home ! 

Jim. You babies make me sick ! Fat lot of fun you'd have 
at home ! 

Gracie {going off ', l., followed by Mrs. O.). Well, people 
wouldn't be 'lowed to push me into ponds there. I hate this 
horrid old place and the old rag doll people ! 

Enter Prof, on all fours in calico clown suit, followed by 
Fred, and Will. 

Evelyn. Well, doesn't Gracie make you sick? 

Floss. No, she doesn't. 

Jim. If you wasn't a girl 

{Doubles up fists and strikes attitude. They all spring for- 
ward but Evelyn.) 

'Tilda. Don't you touch her, Jimmie McNulty ! 



CALICO LAND 1 5 

Will. We — we'll fight you if you do. 

Prof, {looking pleased}. Are you children really tired of 
this nonsense? 

Children. Yes. 

Prof, {turning to Jim. and Evelyn). Then if we leave 
you'll stay behind? 

Jim. {shrilly). Leave? Don't you think I've tried to find 
a way out before this ? We can't leave. There's no way out. 

Evelyn {sadly). No, Jimmie is right. I've hunted and 
hunted, and those old rag dolls are always peeking around and 
watching. I suppose they're listening now, but I don't care. 

Children {rushing forward). You too, you too ? 

Enter Funno and two other Calico People. 

Funno. Quite a little family gathering. Counting your 
blessings ? 

Jim. {with dignity). We've concluded to go home for a 
while. 

Funno {shaking his head). That is the one thing you 
can't do. 

Floss, {as if an idea had just struck her). Did you say we 
could make the Professor and Mrs. Osgood do just as we liked ? 

Funno. Exactly. 

Floss. Cross your heart? 

Funno {making motion). Cross my heart. 

Floss. Professor Osgood, stand up. 

Children. Oh, Flossie ! 

(Prof, rises.) 

Floss, (much excited). Take off that clown suit. 
Funno {scared). No, no. Don't tell him that. 
Floss, {severely). Didn't you cross your heart ? 
Funno {hanging head). Ye-es. 

(Prof, slips off suit and flings it to one side. Children 
all clap.) 

Will. Let's make the Professor take charge of us again. 
All in favor clap. 

{Loud clapping. Funno and friends put hands to ears and 
run off, R.) 

Prof. Children, you make me very happy. I do not think 



1 6 CALICO LAND 

that you will ever regret your generosity or confidence. I, too, 
have learned my lesson here. 

'Tilda. I'm sorry I treated you so horrid, Professor 
Osgood. 

Others. Me too. So am I. 

Prof. I have one little piece of good news to repay you 
with. 

Children. What ? 

Prof. I have discovered the gate. 

Children {joyfully). The gate? 

Prof. Yes, but I am sorry to say I do not yet know all of 
the charm. It opened once to me, but as I could not return I 
did not go out. 

Jim. You did not go out ! 

Prof. No, Jimmie. 

Jim. And after the way we've treated you ! 

Evelyn. What was the charm that opened the gate to you, 
Professor Osgood ? 

Prof. There was a Calico soldier at the gate, and when I 
asked if I might go out he looked at me narrowly, shook his 
head, muttered a little to himself, then called a fellow who 
seemed to be lurking in the woods near. They talked together 
in whispers, eyeing me furtively. Finally the first soldier said 
accusingly: "You took a bath this morning." I acknowl- 
edged it, and he finally said : 

" He's clean, clean, as a bright new pin ; 
Such may go out but never come in." 

As he said the words the gate swung outward, but I did not 
go through. All I had wanted was to see how to get out. 

'Tilda. Then we can go out any time we say those words. 

Prof. That is the queer part of it. I found the gate un- 
guarded another time and said the words myself, but it would 
not open. I have been watching since then to see if I can 
discover the rest of the charm. 

Jim. Why didn't you tell us? 

Prof. While you liked this, what was the use ? I feared 
you'd send me out and then never be able to escape yourselves. 
I'll discover the secret yet. 

Floss. Professor, why have you not always kept perfectly 
clean here? 

Prof. I am ashamed to say that I wished to curry favor 



CALICO LAND 1 7 

with these peculiar people. I found that my cleanliness was 
particularly obnoxious to them, and that it was when I was 
cleanest that the most inexplicable accidents happened to me. 

Floss. Oh, I believe I have discovered the secret ! 

Others {crowding around her). What is it? 

Floss. Have you noticed that every time you put on clean 
clothes or wash yourself one of those rag dolls turns up and 
wants to play tag or something ? 

Others. Ye-es. Yes. Yes! 

Floss. And that they roll you in the dirt or into the pond 
before they get through? That they manage in some way to 
get you dirty again ? 

Others. Ye-es. 

Tim. Well ? Just as the Professor said. What of it ? 

Floss. Don't you see? That's it ! If we're all perfectly 
clean I believe the gate will open. 

'Tilda (hopelessly). But they won't let us be. 

Prof. I think if we wait until dark we might manage it, es- 
pecially if we all stick together. Mrs. Osgood took all of your 
clothes that you had on when you came here, and washed and 
starched them, and hid them in an old hollow tree. 

Children. Hurrah for Mrs. Osgood ! 

Enter Mrs. O., with Gracie, l., the latter in dry clothes. 

Evelyn. We command you to stand and do as you please 
in future; don't we, everybody? 
Children. Yes— yes— yes ! 

(Mrs. O. stands looking very bewildered, and Evelyn slips 
up behind her and unfastens clown dress, which falls to 
ground.) 

Jim. Hurrah for Professor and Mrs. Osgood, the best friends 

we ever had ! . , . 

All {waving arms and jumping about excitedly). Hurrah . 

Hurrah t Hurrah ! 



CURTAIN 



ACT IV 

SCENE. — Magic gate. Time, flight. Dark forms seen 
sneaking up to gate, which is near c. rear. 

Prof, (in a voice of command to Gatekeeper). Open to 
the clean people. Don't dare to refuse. 

Gatekeeper {flashing a lantern from one immaculate child 
to another intones). 

They're clean, they're clean, as a bright new pin ; 
Such may go out but never come in. 

(The gate swings slowly outward, and they all pass through 
to fro?it dressed in their own clean clothes. A pink light 
grows brighter and brighter in back disclosing the fact 
that they are in Scetie I.) 

Prof. See, the sun is rising. It is a new day. 

Children (looking). Yes, Professor. 

Prof. Pick up your things and we will proceed to the picnic 
grounds. 

Children (obeying). Yes, Professor Osgood. 

Prof. I noticed some of that little white flower commonly 
called pepper root near here the last time I explored this re- 
gion. We must see if we can find it as I wish to call your at- 
tention to its resemblance to the ordinary mustard plant of the 
genus Sinapis. You will notice that both have a pungent taste 
and are used in commerce 

Calico People (who have crowded up to gate). Don't 
leave us, oh, don't leave us ! We'll never be freed if you do. 

Prof, (turning). Are you, too, prisoners ? 

Funno. Yes, we were sent here for spoiling our children. 

Children. No ! 

Funno. It is only too true. We made them selfish and un- 
bearable by giving in to all their wishes. Oh, why did you 
desert us? Now we'll never be free ! 

Prof. But you came out. 

18 



CALICO LAND 



19 



Funno. To entice the children in. My family was held in 
ransom. We hoped so much from your capture. 

Prof. What could we have done ? 

Funno. Shown us the way to escape. You were unselfish. 

Jim. Why don't you open the gate? 

Funno. We can't. It only opens to the clean. 

Evelyn {impatiently). Go clean up, then. 

Funno. Alas, we can't. Some one is sure to roll us in the 
mud. 

Floss. But don't you all want to get out ? 

Calico People. Yes — yes — yes ! 

Floss. Then why do you throw mud on each other? 

Funno and Others {surprised). It is the law ! We must 
obey the law. 

Mrs. O. {timidly). Who made the law ? 

Calico People {proudly}. We did. 

Mrs. O. Couldn't — mightn't you — is there no way to re- 
vise it ? 

{All stare blankly.) 

Jim. Who is here to care if you do break the old law ? 

Funno. The King. 

Jim. Oh, then the King wants to stay ? 

King {from rear, pushing forward frantically). No, no, 
no / I don't want to stay. 

Jim. Who makes you, then ? 

King. The soldiers. 

'Tilda. The soldiers want to stay, do they ? 

Soldiers. No, no, no / 

Prof, {stroking his chin). There must be a way out, but it 
will take time to accomplish it legally. I will look into the 
matter. One must, of course, find precedents. No doubt, in 
a few years, we will find something in the old Roman law, and 
by exercising the perniciative, the defer-endum, and the latest 
college yell 

Calico People {wringing hands). Oh, dear ! oh, dear ! 

Floss. What's the use of bothering with the old law? All 
of you go and wash yourselves perfectly clean, and then, all to- 
gether, just walk out. 

King {timidly). But the law? 

Jim. /know. My father is a policeman. Each one of you 
just leave it to the other to enforce it. 

King. Of course. 



20 CALICO LAND 

Funno. Of course. 

Other Calico People. Of course. 

(All run off capering and dancing.) 

Prof. " From the mouths of babes " Extraordinary 

(Turns briskly.) Come, children. It is time to go. 

All (smiling cheerfully). Yes, Professor. (Start off, r.) 



CURTAIN 



New Plays 



A PAIR OF CRACKER-JACKS 
A Farce-Comedy in Three Acts 

By Scott Byrnes 
Four males, four females. Costumes modern ; scenery, one interior. 
Plays two hours and a half. An unusually lively and amusing farce for a 
very small cast, easy to produce and effective in performance. All the 
parts are good and the laughs equally distributed. Produced profession- 
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($10.00) for amateur performance required by the author. 
Pricey 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 
Jack Cracker, a hard cracker. Mrs. Jack Cracker, Jack' a 
Jack Cracker, 2D, a fire- wife. 

cracker. Estelle Clayton, Jack 20"^ 

Junius Brutus Bang, in the fiancee. 

" profesh." Flo. Atkins, Jack's niece. 

Coffee, a colored brother. Katrina Von Hoot, Flo\ 

double. 
SYNOPSIS 
Act I.— Afternoon. Exhortations. 
Act II. — The same afternoon. Complications. 
Act III. — The same evening. Congratulations. 

THE LITTLE CO-ED 

A Vaudeville Sketch in One Act 

By Hamilton Coleman and Harry Osborne 
One male, who plays three parts, and one female. Costumes modern \ 
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Pricey 15 cents 

THE SAME MAN 

A Comedy Sketch in One Act 

By Lida L. Coghlan 
Two female characters. Costumes modern; scenery unimportant. Plays 
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Price } 1$ cents 



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A Comedy-Drama in Four Acts 

By Charles S. Bird 
Seven males, three females ; two male parts can be doubled. Costumes, 
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Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

(As originally produced December 9, 19 10, in the Opera House, 
Natrona, Pa., for the benefit of the Ladies Industrial So* 
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Eben Lovejoy, of Hillside f ami . . . . C. S. Bird. 

Jim Jones, a farm hand; good as gold . . Edward Lemon. 

Walter Wayne, the new schoolmaster . . . Roy Cook. 

Steve Hammond, a ne er-do-well ; Eben 's nephew . Edward Dean. 

Si Staples, landlord of the Hillside Hotel . . Jacob Carr. 

JABEZ Elder, a member of the schoolboard ) ^ ^^ 

A Tramp, who makes good ) 

Mrs. Lovejoy, Eben s wife, who believes in Jim . Agnes Bird 

Lucy Lovejoy, her daughter, whom you cant help 

loving . Mabel Sneb old 

Cora Harlow, the Lovejoys "help" ; a born tease. Mary Larson 

SYNOPSIS 
Act I. — Sitting-room at Hillside Farm. 
Act II. — The Lovejoys' Kitchen. 
Act III.— Office of the Hillside Hotel. 
Act IV. — Same as Act I. 

ALL ABOUT ADAM 

A Comedy in Two Acts 

By Alice C. Thompson 

One male, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. 

Plays one hour. A very easy and effective play of that much wanted 

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Suited to any one that wants something nice and wholesome. 

Price, ij cents 

AN ALARM OF FIRE 

A Farce in One Act 

By H. S. Griffith 

Three males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior. 

Plays thirty minutes. A capital little piece narrating the incidents of an 

interrupted proposal. All parts good ; one very effective stuttering char« 

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Price, is cents 



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A Comedy-Drama in Three Acts 

By Harry L. Newton and John Pierre Roche 

Eleven males, seven females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two inte- 
riors. Plays two and a half hours. An admirable play for amateurs. Ab- 
solutely American in spirit and up-to-date ; full of sympathetic interest 
but plenty of comedy ; lots of healthy sentiment, but nothing " mushy." 
Just the thing for high schools ; sane, effective, and not difficult. 
Price, 2j cents 
CHARACTERS 
Elijah Gooding, a village product. 
Seth Hines, just as tired. 
Art Wimpel, chief clerk, Occidental Hotel. 
Samuel Crane, proprietor of the Occidental Hotel. 
Starr Clay , promoter of Jay I. C. Trolley Line. 
Bart Eaton, factotum of the "Clarion." 
John Drew Irving, advance agent and drummer. 
Will Sellum, a traveling salesman. 
Bill, a bell-boy. 
George, another. 
Dave Crane, the college chap. 
Sallie Crane, in love with Art. 
Mrs. Jane Crane, the ?nother. 
Madge Clay, the girl. 
Gertie Flye, the news stand girl. 
Mrs. Mortimer Jones-Brown, a progressive woman. 
Mrs. Heziah Jenks, of the Chester Culture Club. 
Miss Margaret Seymour, secretary of Chester Culture Club. 
SYNOPSIS 

Act I.— Office of the Occidental Hotel. 

Act II. — Office of the Chester Clarion, six months later. 

Act III. — Office of the Occidental Hotel, eight months later. 

A TELEGRAM FROM DAD 

A Farce in One Act 

By J. M. Taylor 
Six males, one female ; ^the latter can be played by a man. Costumes, 
modern ; scene, an interior. Plays thirty minutes. A college farce, very 
swift and snappy. Recommended. Price, 75 cents. 

SPECIAL DELIVERY 

A Farce in One Act 
By D. M. Henderson 
Three males, two females. Costumes modern ; scenery, one interior. 
Plays twenty minutes. A brisk and snappy little farce, easy and amusing. 
Suited for any use. Pria, /j cents 



New Plays 



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A Comedy in Three Acts 

By C. Leona Dalrymple 

Author of "The Time of His Life" "The Land of Night," etc. 

Six males, three females. Costumes, modem ; scenery, two interiors. 
Plays a full evening. An exceptionally bright and amusing comedy, full 
of action ; all the parts good. Capital Chinese low comedy part ; two 
first-class old men. This is a very exceptional piece and can be strongly 
recommended. Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 
Colonel Robert Rudd, a widower of \ 
Co^R^ BV RD .« ^ >»ortally antagonistic. 

of South Carolina J 

BoB^RuDD 37110 } not so antagonistic as their respective fathers. 
Mrs. J. John Carroll, a widow, and Colonel Rudd' s sister- 
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Julia Carroll, her daughter. 

Ned Graydon, a young gentleman of exceedingly faulty memory. 
Mr. James Baskom, Colonel Rudd' s lawyer. 
Ching-ah-ling, the Chinese cook, a bit impertinent but by far the 
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SYNOPSIS 
Act I.— Early morning in the kitchen of the Rudd bachelor 
establishment. 

Act II. — The Rudd library, five days later. 
Act III. — The same. Evening of the same day. 

BREAKING THE ENGAGEMENT 

A Farce in One Act 

By W. C. Parker 

Two males, one female. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. Play* 

twenty minutes. A quick playing little piece suitable for vaudeville use. 

Very bright and snappy and strongly recommended. 

Price, IS cents 

A PAPER MATCH 

A Farce in One Act 
By E. W. Burt, M. D. 

Two males, two females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. Plays 
thirty-five minutes. Four rustic characters, all good. The heroine ad- 
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Very funny, easy and effective Price, ij cents 



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Price, 50 gents Gacb 



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A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE Females, four females". 
Costumes, modern ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 



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